Onward & Upward: Fight the Good Fight 

The following excerpts are from journal entries from the late 1990s-early 2000s.

I spent the next few days in a psychosis, on the edge of a breakdown. 

Jasin was also having his own problems. The house became more disturbed. While he was showering, something shoved him so hard, he fell. Bruises began to appear all over his body without reason. He felt panicked at night, unable to sleep. Because the screams in the house could now be heard as a deafening roar. 

I was left to myself loathing and internal torment put in an impossible situation. I felt as if I could not escape, and I did not know where to go even if I did. There was a singular incident that Jasin chased me out into the street. The neighbors came out to see what the commotion was as I wandered down the road, feeling as if my body no longer belonged to me. I got into my car, locked the doors, and fell asleep. 

I felt like taking things apart, dissecting them, and leaving them in the swamps to be swallowed by the gators. I began to carry around an anatomy book and obsess over it. How is the human body constructed? What makes us function? How could one dismantle it? 

I had this moment of fantasy. I wanted to call my friend from San Antonio, who had a mental breakdown coinciding with my own. In a moment of delirium, we could become serial killers together because his frame of mine aligned with my own. I could feel a storm inside of me brewing. I sat and thought and meditated. 

After a while, it felt as if a bright white light was filling my being, and I slept peacefully for the first time in a long time. I woke up more clear-headed and was able to go back to work. Everyone seemed a little uneasy around me, but I was left alone for the most part. 

Eli decided to move in with me, but he still did not know what had happened. So it was Tommy, Jasin, Eli, and myself all living in the tiny one-bedroom house, with the red door and the angry spirits. Eventually, Eli figured out something was going on. It was probably because every time Jasin entered the room, I would begin to violently shake. 

Eli questioned me endlessly until I finally confessed. He was so angry and confused that I didn’t know if he would murder Jasin or leave. Finally, he looked up at me and said, “You have to get out of there. Be strong and have some faith in yourself.” We left the house that night and went to a hotel. With the help of some friends, we found the French Quarter flat within a few days. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.
%d bloggers like this: